When I started studying Stoicism, I had no idea what a major impact it would have on my life. Nor how it would enable me to face some really difficult life events in the years to come. One of the teachings that I initially passed over concerned kindness. Having been a former “door kickin’,” “hard chargin’,” ten foot tall,” and “bullet proof” military guy, the concept of kindness, at that time, didn’t rank too high on my list of desirable attributes. It took a lot of study and reflection to come to the understanding that kindness isn’t weakness.

I was drawn to stoicism by its ability to help develop your skills of self-control, calmness in the face of pressure, and learning to focus only on what you could control. Kindness—that was talk and study for others. Granted, I wasn’t totally hard-hearted, but my military and martial arts training (and my then immature outlook on life) didn’t have a lot of room for such passive ideas. Man, looking back, I couldn’t have been more wrong or misguided, but this is a good example of self-development, if nothing else.

Kindness isn’t a sign of weakness; believe me when I say that. Showing and having kindness toward others, even those rude, mean, and thoughtless people we sometimes face in life, is a method that allows you to develop from a Darth Vader into a Yoda. Grasping this loving and caring concept will propel you to a new level in your personal development. It might be a matter of getting older and more mature. Or, it might be a matter of really growing in your self-development. Regardless, I’m a much better person for having started focusing on kindness toward others. You can still be tough as nails and have a caring and kind heart. Others will appreciate it, but you’ll appreciate it the most. Kindness isn’t weakness! It shows a tremendous amount of strength and courage when faced with challenging people.

So, what is one of the keys to developing kindness toward others? It is one of the cornerstones of stoicism. It is gaining an understanding of what you can control and focusing on that. Likewise, you are understanding what is outside of your ability to control. This allows you to let go of worry, dread, fear, lashing out, and several more negative traits.

Remember the next time you are dealing with someone who is very difficult and is being aggressive, rude, mean, or thoughtless. Those are all signs of weakness, poor self-control, and a lack of understanding. They might be lashing out at you because they are dealing with harshness in their own lives. Treating them with kindness might be something that no one has ever done to them. Showing them kindness might not have any effect on the situation, but then again, it might open their eyes to how they’ve been acting. Regardless, you are the only one in control of your actions; no one else is. Let kindness become your default response when dealing with others. Life is hard enough! We don’t need to make it harder.